Manic Oppressive
by Neonn
Summary: -One Shot- Hogwarts gets a new DADA teacher, who may or may not be clinically insane. Seriously, how many teachers set giant snakes on the students on the first day?


Neonn: I LOVE Harry Potter crossovers. Admittedly, they're the only HP stories I WILL read, for some reason. Everything just seems to go so well with HP...thankfully, I will not subject you to my madness for very long. I only intend for this to be a one-shot. Admittedly, I'm not even certain what year this would be. XD

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Harry Potter. Honestly, I'm on a fanfiction site, guys!

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The students chatted excitedly as they entered the classroom, wondering who was to be teaching the class.

"It's strange, isn't it? That the new Professor wasn't at the feast?" said Hermione. Ron shrugged. "He was probably on some secret mission for the Order!"

"Honestly, Ron, just because they weren't there, doesn't mean they're part of the Order! If you had been paying attention, you would know that _she_ is coming from the other side of the world, and hadn't arrived yet!" Harry just smiled as the two argued, a routine becoming more and more familiar. Eagerly, they took seats in the front row, on the off-chance that the new teacher would be as interesting as Lupin, or even Moody.

A large CRASH! came from the back of the room, as the window burst inward, shards of glass narrowly missing those seated nearby. Everyone turned to gawk at the unexpected appearance of a woman. She had short, dark hair, and was wearing what seemed to be a trenchcoat, odd shoes, a short skirt...and dark netting for a shirt. Harry felt a blush creep up his face as he couldn't help but stare. Behind the woman, a large black banner now hung, with unfamiliar symbols. The woman stood proudly and confidently, before speaking rapidly in a foreign language. She paused, looking at them expectantly, which they returned with a blank stare.

"I'm sorry, but I have absolutely no idea what you just said," said Dean Thomas. She blinked, then laughed.

"Right then! Arriving: Your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! I am Anko Mitarashi, tokubetsu jounin of Konohagakure! Now, your education has been spotty at best, with very little practical knowledge. There are Dark things out there! And when they go bump in the night, you aren't only going to bump back. No, by the time I'm through with you, you're going to be able to STAB THEM IN THE EYE WITH A SHARP BLADE AND BEAT THE EVERLOVING DAYLIGHT OUT OF THEM!" She began to laugh, a loud, slightly insane sound. The students glanced at each other nervously. What was wrong with her?

"Is she really our teacher? She acts like an escapee from St. Mungo's" Ron muttered. Harry smiled back. "So she's, like...manic oppressive or something?" Unfortunately, Professor Mitarashi had heard them. Ron was very surprised to have a sharp dagger-thing embed itself in the wall beyond him. His ear burned, and he reached up and was terribly surprised when he brought his hand back and found it had blood on it. He stared at it, not really understanding what had happened.

"What was that?" began Professor Mitarashi. "Don't you even know how to dodge--" she was unable to continue, as the reason for the blood had dawned on Ron.

"You bloody—I'm _dying_! You've killed me! I-I can see the light..." Ron moaned. Hermione rolled her eyes at the histrionics, but nevertheless began to rifle through her bag for a band-aid. "Honestly, Ron, stop that. It's barely a scratch!"

"You can't just go and attack a student!" yelled Harry, defending his friend. "What kind of teacher are you?" Professor Mitarashi looked surprised. She had never had anyone talk to her like that, especially not someone who was, apparently, barely at Academy level, not even a gennin.

"I was proving a _point_. You shouldn't talk about your superiors that way," she said loftily, recovering nicely. "Anyway, as I was saying, you are now going to learn _practical_ ways to defend yourself, and I won't have you using a crutch. Wands away!" She ignored the groaning and mumbling around her as the students reluctantly did as they were told. "Weasley-kun, stop it. You're fine. Potter-kun, you may sit down." They did so, both looking surprised she knew their names. She rolled her eyes inwardly. Of _course_ she knew who they were. She was a _ninja_, she had to be aware of any she might encounter, for her own safety and the good of the mission.

"Like I was saying, there are many things you have to be wary of. I'm going to help you prepare for whatever may happen." She said grandly, as she swung herself onto her desk, the smooth and casual ease of the motion seeming at odds with her boisterous, random nature.

"Like what? We know lots about all sorts of things—kappas, gwindylows, and red caps," began Hermione eagerly. Professor Mitarashi looked thoughtful for a moment. She snapped her fingers. "Got it! Twenty points if you can tell me what you would do if you ran into _this_." The students looked on in horror as she _bit her own thumb_, and slammed it onto the ground.

"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" In a cloud of smoke, a giant blue snake appeared, coiled up and staring hungrily at the students. Someone let out a scream. Everyone began to back away, moving for the door.

"No, wait, don't run, that'll only make him want to--" began the ninja.

"_I'm hungry_," hissed the snake.

"Oh my god, did that snake just talk?" someone cried.

"I heard it, too!"

"_That's right, little mice, run away_," the enormous reptile began to uncoil, moving towards the screaming students.

"I definitely understood that! If the snake said it, and I understood it, and --"

"Snakes speak Parseltongue--"

"Bloody—I'm a _Parselmouth_!"

"Wait, so does that mean I am too? Oh, no, what will Granny say?"

"Might as well join You-Know-Who right now!"

"_Stop_," said Harry bravely, trying to remain firm and steadfast. The snake ignored him, intent on devouring at least one of the children. Harry abandoned the rash idea that maybe the snake would listen to him, and joined the fleeing mob. The students ran screaming out the door and down the hallway, the snake slithering after them.

"Oh, hell," said Anko Mitarashi, angrily following after to make sure the snake spit out whoever it ate.

-End-

Neonn: Yeah. I was reading NarutoHP crossovers and realized that all the Summon Animals speak, well, _human_. So...if someone summoned a snake...yeah. This is what happens, I guess. Makes me wonder what someone who could talk to, like, lizards or, um, cats or something would be called. Manic oppression sounds like it would be an awesome disorder to have.


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